The source of it all

I know my dreams subconsciously convert my biggest fears and concerns into dream scenarios that leverage my natural strengths. It’s a brilliant way of processing without engaging the ego’s noisy banter.

Conciously, anxiety and fear fall into two catagories: things I can action and thing I cannot action or don’t readily know how to address. I big part of me is being the kind of person who can partition the majority of my challenges into the category of things I can action. It’s the mechanism that builds confidence to take on the unknown and seemingly insurmountable challenges I frequent. The latter category of fears and anxieties I cannot address nips at my conciousness as half finished business. Left unattended  these feelings occurs as a hunger that cannot be fed or an itch that cannot be located. There’s a childlike presence in me that feels an allure to succumb to the fears, to allow them to maximize and consume all parts of me so I can finally rest in the defeat of it all allowing the source to extinguish itself. It’s a fantasy that helps me conciously process the worst possible scenario in a safe way always bringing about a sense of peace when it’s over.

If it’s not obvious from this rambling, I’m a sexual person. My overriding processing tendency is to eroticise. Fears, frustrations, and anxieties are naturally converted into sexual contexts where I feel most comfortable and effective processing.

In my teen years I had a hard time dating, I was rejected repeatedly.  My average sexual endowment has never created the lust larger men so easily generate. “It’s a perfect fit” will never be the same as “OMFG”.My sexuality is broad spectrum, not gender specific. I enjoy the raw male sex drive as much as soft sensual female pleasures. The age and environment I grew up in shamed this dichotomy. My first wife cheated on me and left me for a very big masculine guy. All these unresolvable hurts and fears have through fantasy become huge sources of pleasure for me now. I’ve converted the unresolvable fears and frustrations into scenarios that give me warm tingly feelings. By recreating for ways to experience these deepest vulnerabilities in safe controlled scenes within my day to day I can do better than heal.

Having my penis locked in a cage, CBT, denial, and being reminded it’s all for being inadequately small and undeserving is closure. I love being feminized, put in female underwear and lingerie, fucked with a strapon because I can safely feel female sensuality and be released from the constant effort to be an alpha male in this society. I want to be cuckolded to know my wife will never be without or feel ashamed what she needs physically. Knowing our relationship will always be primary creates the safely for me to experience her pleasure second hand. It’s not true humiliation if the act of humiliation creates strength. I want to be spanked until I cry as punishment for being everything I am and am not. The deepest valleys of my old anxieties are cleansed and healed in the safety of thes experiences and punishments. This is what I seek relentlessly.

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1 Response to The source of it all

  1. sillyGurl says:

    I’m a new reader, have started this blog from the beginning. I just wanted to say, “Wow! This is a very powerful entry!!”
    sillyGurl

    Liked by 1 person

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