Highs and Lows

After two weeks of chatting with a prospective boyfriend, he decided Cheyenne and I weren’t a good fit for what he was looking for. I’m feeling disappointed and pretty bummed out at the realization I’m not just looking for a playmate, but hunting a fucking unicorn. I clearly don’t belong in either the straight or gay scene and the grey area between is strikingly empty. In some ways I feel more alone than ever.

With a little advice from Drew I joined a couple men’s dating sites (for those not up to date Cheyenne is comfortable with me playing with men but not women) and chatted with a flurry of different people but the process while efficient felt shallow and disconnected from the intimacy I’m looking for. We’ll see how it plays out over time. 😉

Meanwhile, I remain locked in my device. I’ve been locked since early January initially locking myself and giving Cheyenne the key. Luckily, now Cheyenne wants to keep me locked only generously unlocking me when we have sex but never allowing penis inside her or me to come. I’m never given he expectation to be inside her or to come but the desire to do so is so intense that I helplessly beg for her permission even though I’m getting exactly what I want and need in denial.  For a couple days after sex the desire to be inside her and to come burns white hot in my mind and body and the only outlet offered is to rub Cheyenne legs and feet for her pleasure. Even in this mundane act of pleasure penis responds by swelling with futility in its cage. Cheyenne smiles back at me with content.

In the past six weeks my chastity has slowly become a reliable positive in my day to day. Through all the stresses, frustrations and disappointments of the past six weeks my locked penis has steadily emitted a low grade sexual buzz. Although frustrating in its own right, knowing penis is excluded from the role almost every other male considers entitled to helps me feel a deep acceptance with who I am and the way my life has molded me. Part of me is seriously considering permanent chastity. For now, my wife, the person who cares about me most and knows me deepest has chosen this for me. I love her deeply and completely and remain excited about where our relationship is headed.

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1 Response to Highs and Lows

  1. dualdrew says:

    Just remember, it takes more than an initial round of conversations on dating sites that consist of “sup?” and “looking?” to find your unicorn. Patience, Hapa. Patience.

    Liked by 2 people

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