I don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions. Ordinary life already feels like a series of goals webbing the weeks and months together without the need for an extra reference point. Chasing a little one around at 50 has an unusual way of bring awareness to one’s mortality. Feeling your mortality for the first time is an awakening than cannot (should not) be shed. This year there are a few topics gradually crystallizing in my mind as 2018 approaches. In no particular order:
My youngest is now 18 months old and with a few trips to the mountains and beaches in the US under his belt he’s certifiably a real adventurer ;). Really, he loves to get out and adventure as much as his parents and in the coming years I will embrace and nourish his zest for life to the best of my ability.
Life work instead of work-life. What’s different now is I can see for the first time how I want my life to look and feel. Not some fantasy of an ideal but tangible vision for what I need to feel alive and at peace with my future. I have a few very smart and bold individuals in my life to thank for leading by example and helping me to see how wonderfully life can be when setup properly. I see my work is a means to an ideal instead of the destination it’s been in the past. Seems simple but I’ve never felt the distinction like I now do. I’ve been tangled in that subtle detail for far too long, starved of the clarity to effectively form my future. In a nutshell, I will now create a life where the nucleus of “home” is in the relationships I cherish most regardless of location. My local footprint minimal, and my reach global.
Intimacy. Life with Cheyenne is getting a bit easier post pregnancy and post 14 months of sleep deprivation. Imagine that. Going forward, I will be looking for ways for us to rebuild displaced intimacy from the last two and a half years of pregnancy and post pregnancy trials. I’m not sure we lost anything in that time but our path to intimacy and vulnerability is I bit over grown and less welcoming than it could be.
Yesterday, I started talking to Cheyenne about our sex life. I shared that I had been reading a wonderful couples’ profile on Fetlife and was energized and envious of their ability to live into a fulfilling D/s/Femdom lifestyle while still managing all things vanilla. I told Cheyenne I want “that”. I really do. It’s been about five years since I came out as kinky and Cheyenne opened her mind to life with a kinky husband. Those years were filled with experimentation; searingly hot scenes, mind blowing orgasms. and huge tearful disappointments. We’ve successfully raised a toddler, three teens, juggled careers and been kinky at times. Going forward, I want to our kink to be a pillar of our relationship, not just a channel to flip on when convenient. I know I need to be the recipient of sexual dominance to feel balanced and complete. I want that dominance from Cheyenne and I know deferring it leaves me feeling unsettled in life. While talking yesterday about the Fetlife couple’s ability to live a femdom lifestyle she asked if I too wanted a femdom lifestyle? I emphatically said “yes”! How that understanding has eluded us so far is a complete mystery but I’m glad it’s clear now. Cheyenne says she likes the idea of being sexually dominant to me very much but struggles with how to begin. She recognizes she’s out of touch with a healthy dose of sexual selfish ability. We talked about what could help foster her sexual empowerment and she suggested a period of “suspension of belief” a period where we dispose of our past ways of relating sexually and build a completely new way of relating sexually. Leaving our past challenges behind us as we create and improve our way to a new empowered kinky reality.
Yes. 2018. Bring it on.