It’s been five years since I came out to Cheyenne as bisexual and kinky. In many ways we’ve come so far together. Sexually, there’s been complete acceptance with respect to all my kinky needs and sometimes confusing bisexual feelings. Glass half full.
So what’s the failure? The inescapable awareness that for all the progress we’ve made we’re dramatically less sexual and vulnerable to each other than ever before. There’s still a fun denial thread that we entertain once or twice a month and some fun and well timed dominant puns that keep me feeling that she remembers.
But inside I’m burning to feel connected to her sexually. For the first time I’m beginning to worry that the last five years is indicative of how things will be. I struggle with that. I’ve said, done, and introduced every possible thing, source, idea, and dynamic I could image would be helpful and yet all the progress we’ve made doesn’t feel like we’ve are enjoying our sexuality together. There’s more excitement between us when finding a binge worthy tv series.
The facts don’t leave me feeling very positive about myself and what I’m capable of in a relationship. I simply don’t know what else to do except resign and wait for another season in life which at 50 happens to raise awareness of mortality. I’m in a low point for sure, easily recognized by a lack of fresh ideas and optimism. I fantasize more about being objectified sexually by dominant men and woman than having needs of my own, a subversion of desire if you will. My subconscious is converting this failure to connect into a deeper darker kink than I imagined. More than ever I think about extricating my sexuality from my person… I’d be so much more at peace.