Lots of things

It’s been close to a year since I’ve posted a journal entry. On the surface it’s a paltry showing for such a therapeutic process. Instead of writing about one of the many life events or sexual epiphanies I’ve had recently I’ll try to cover the highlights and circle back to the items that feel most vulnerable to expose. Those are the real pieces.

Last April Cheyenne and I had just returned from a week at Haulover beach. Our annual Spring trip to Florida to shake off the long winter, soak in vitamin D, and entertain a bit of exhibitionism together. We’re headed back again in 5 long weeks!

This year I’ve taken a step back from meeting men and entertaining my bi side. I’ve found it difficult to connect with other bi men and even harder to connect with those who are content entertaining the idea of being sexual but stop short of real interaction because the impulse to jack off intervenes and the resulting prolactin release causes them to ghost you until their refractory period is over. Here’s the thing for me, I’m not attracted to men. Their features don’t occur as sexy to me, and I generally feel that I could easily conquer most guys either physically, intellectually, or both. But dicks are fun big dicks even more so especially when they’re attached to strong sexual desire and agenda for me. I like the attention and always feel the compelled to leave partners as satisfied as I am. The reality is my ideal is illusive with men.

Late last year after years of conversation and months of texting, Cheyenne started dating a gentleman. Their friendship progressed from texting to a few platonic dates which culminated in the two of them meeting for drinks at our hotel while I was at the gym waiting for a cue to return to the hotel. Cheyenne seized the moment and warming up the date with some of her amazing kisses at the hotel bar which quickly progressed to the room. Things got sexual but stopped short of potential because the date did not bring condoms. Still don’t know who was most disappointed by this… probably me. After the date left I was so eager to see Cheyenne. In my mind, at that time she was as explosively sexy as ever and I couldn’t wait to be with her, reassure her and feel her close to me. The mixture of uncertainty and being aroused with a tinge of fear was intoxicating. The fear wasn’t fully birthed fear, because I’m 100% secure in our relationship and trusted the circumstances but thoughts of her being more sexually attracted to another or being fulfilled in ways I cannot while still loving me most induced a surge of pleasure hormones like I’ve never felt before. I was experiencing what a cuckold feels. Something I’ve fantasized about for many years. All the fantasy fodder about cuckolding pales in comparison the real thing. You know what I mean if you’ve been there. This was us experiencing for the first time what being open to a wider range of sexual possibility actually feels like. A milestone.

The weeks following were our most sexual in years. Perhaps since we first started dating. The positive energy between us was palpable. The high we were experiencing began to taper as the reality of Cheyenne meeting her guy for another connection faded.

I’ve continued to send prospective guys to Cheyenne for consideration but our success rate is exceptionally low. One out of 20-30 shows potential, but out of the dozen or so guys I’ve passed to Cheyenne e v e r y  s i n g l e  one flakes on the first date with almost no notice. Guys and their impulse to jack off is shameful. There really should be widespread use of chastity. Relationships would be stronger, both sexes happier, and the world would be a much more peaceful place if women regulated mens sex drives.

In conclusion, saving some goodness for last! I’m cleared to try another female Pro Domme. My first go around with a Domme felt silly and contrived not to mention expensive. I’ve learned that females are central to my sexuality and there’s no way around that fact. Even men get sexier if I consider a female involved… sigh. I sometimes wish I was binary. Things would definitely be simpler! Anyway, what was previously missing for both the Domme and I was the knowledge of what I needed from the experience. She assumed a standard set of actions would suffice and neither of us emphasized the importance of the setup. It was just a learning experience but one I’m hoping to correct this weekend. The Domme I’m meeting comes highly recommended by a Fetlife friend who appears by all standards to be a connoisseur of local Dommes. I’ve spoken to the lady about the session and she seems much more ‘versed’ than the previous. I’m excited and look forward to some fun as well as the opportunity to learn more about myself.

Take care,

Hapa

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