I don’t even want to think about at the last time I posted to this blog. I’ve even considered closing this account several times because of my apathetic commitment to write. My resistance to writing comes from feeling stuck in my sexual endeavors, unable to realize a hope for uninhibited sexual connections with others. It seems that no matter the effort I put forward to selectively meet new people or create new and exciting possibilities the inherent dependence on others to show up GGG was elusive.
Maybe it’s me after all? Maybe I’m up against a blind spot that’s obvious to others causing them to be more reserved around me. Or maybe this is just how a 50+ year old guy is related to in the world. I wish I knew so I could fix the mismatch.
I continually experience a lack of integrity when interacting with others in a sexual context. By integrity, I mean; do what you say and say what you mean. And be accountable for your words. How you use them, and for how they’re received. Most importantly, be GGG, playful, and leave people better off than they were. What’s the difficulty?
In the past year Cheyenne did a little dating which was super fun for us both until her fwb ghosted her and both of us felt a bit defeated. It took a considerable investment in time and energy to find what seemed to be a good fwb situation. Starting again from square one felt overwhelming. As luck would have it, another potential fwb surfaced and things were going well until we all self quarantined for Corona virus. Then fwb 1 resurfaced and hopes to regain Cheyenne’s confidence. Perfect.
If you recall from previous posts, I’m only allowed extramarital safe sex with men Which I find kinda hot if I’m honest. There’s something super sexy about being denied by women. More on that later. I’m also pretty picky about who I’ll entertain meeting for health and safety reasons. There’s no shortage of guys looking for a quick hookup but I prefer an ongoing situation that would ideally lead to an increased opportunity for less inhibited (non-vanilla) play. I’ve met two guys in the past two of years. One cleaned my wallet out when I went to the bathroom…end of story. The other was fun and all business but difficult to make plans with because of a complete mismatch in our schedules. We remain in contact with the intention of meeting again after the quarantine lifts. The only exception to the ‘men only’ rule was one visit to a female Pro-Domme – Cheyenne approved of course. I had high hopes for the visit but the reality was flat. It felt exceptionally weird! Paying for intimacy does not reconcile with me and somehow bypasses my pleasure receptors. It kinda sucked that I was out $$$ and wasn’t not turned on in the least bit. It was all completely unexpected because female dominant role play is absolutely something I enjoy.
On the home front all is well. Cheyenne and I have managed to find time for intimacy between the demands of work, family, and a periods of sleep deprivation. We also recently discovered two great products! The first is in the same catagory, Foria Pleasure and Quim Night Moves, both marijuana infused sex oils that add a significant bump in her pleasure. Cheyenne says “why isn’t every woman using this?” after sex every time. Winning! The second, is a strap-on harness that I wear. We experimented with several dildo sizes and shapes until she found just the ‘one’. Watching her enjoy the perfect fit as I make love to her without feeling or being inside her is exquisite! My mind blossoms with fantasies that are so closely mixed with reality that they become believable and harbor hope for things to come. They all begin with imagining Cheyenne will likely change our sexual dynamic when she’s completely satisfied by the pursuit and pleasure of her fwb’s, while at home has the perfect strap-on to give her pleasure. I’ll enjoy the competitive sexual dynamic but savor her satisfaction in the hands of others. Might I get denied entry? Denied sex altogether? Put in chastity? Only allowed to have sex with men because she’s completely satisfied without my penis?
With a bit of luck and perhaps a Covid-19 vaccine we have a lot to look forward to. I’d say I can’t wait but you all know I will.
Until next time,